Storm watch: it needs to go

Jerre "Music Man" and Gary "The Doctor" Haskew

"Sport Talk" in Chattanooga, TN (Weekdays 4-7 p.m. on Real Radio FM 102.3)

Over the last week on our Sport Talk radio show, we have asked the listeners to call in and tell us the people or things that are driving them crazy in the world of sports and media and simply must go.

To minimize the effect of cabin fever brought on by the Ice Follies of 1996, the Doctor and the Hatchet Man present our Top 100 People and Things That Must Go.

In addition, we will give you postmortems on a few people and things that have already gone. If you have others whom you think should be on either list, fax us at Sport Talk, (423) 821-3979, e-mail us at sporttalk@bizcafe.com, or write c/o the Times, PO Box 951, Chattanooga, TN 37401. Let's get 'em outta here.

They must go

1. Storm Alert, Track and Watch: Weather war has reduced 27-inch TV screens to the size of a postage stamp. Who will be first to have a TV reporter standing nude in the snow at the Ridge Cut? What will the next big one be - the apocalypse or Armageddon?

2. Chamberlain Field: Ninety years old and looking 100. Bathrooms still operate on gravity, and crabgrass-playing surface with only banked end zone in college football a fiasco. We can't wait for demolition in 1997. How big are those rats in its aged underbelly?

3. Jerry Jones: Jerry, with ego as big as Texas Stadium, wants to be the star of the show. Barry Switzer is his puppet and Deion is his court jester. Get rid of him - funeral suit, gray tee shirt and those horrible commercials with Deion.

4. Fabulous Sports Babe: ESPN made a tragic mistake of putting this national radio talk show hostess on TV. She would be the first 300-pound defensive tackle taken if she declared for the NFL draft.

5. Soddy-Daisy police: This bunch, which is supposed to protect us from the harsh criminal element, seems to have more desire to spend its time harrassing high school football players and coaches from opposing schools. Those who do are nothing more than thugs in blue. And don't lose your way on Corridore J.

6. Don King: He is probably the world's greatest promoter. He would have to be to get away with being as crooked as a dog's hind leg, according to law enforcement sources. Like Jones, he has to get his mug on TV after his "fighters" punch out more tomato cans than a landfill can hold.

7. Lee Corso: ESPN analyst needs psychoanalysis. We suggest Dr. Sigmund Joe Bob Johnson of Sport Talk fame. Horrible coach, whose Louisville team lost to Memphis State, 61-0 where he threw in the towel. His hands fly as fast as his stupid commentary. Hook him.

8. Bill Anderson: This longtime color man for John Ward's Tennessee football broadcasts has the nickname of "Bull," which appropriately describes his hapless commentary. The old Vol is at his best when he thumps the broadcast table. That means the opponents are making a big play.

9. "Chief" Tom Kunesh: Self-styled spokesman for Native Americans (a.k.a. American Indians) reportedly attempting to "Dan Martino" UTC into getting rid of its mascot, Chief Mocanooga. Sources from various tribal councils know nothing of this publicity-seeker's background or authority to speak for Native Americans. Reliable sources say he is a native of Czechoslovakia.

10. Marge Schott: Chain smoking owner of Cincinnati Reds creates giant cloud on first row in nonsmoking Riverfront Stadium. Secret ambition is to make team so bad she can take over as manager and play Schottze II, the St. Bernard, in center field. Will lung cancer get her before the angry Reds fans tar and feather her and the mutt?

    Worst of the rest

11. Absculptor and Abdominizer
12. Richard Simmons
13. Robert Goulet basketball TV spots
14. Nancy Kerrigan
15. ESPY's on ESPN
16. Football recruiting
17. Deion Sanders
18. Frank, Kathie Lee, Cody and Regis
19. Bicycle cops at mall
20. Goat man
21. Art Modell
22. Harry Caray
23. Wally and the gravy
24. Shawn Bradley
25. Ric Flair
26. Hulk Hogan
27. Tony "Tomahawk" Branch
28. Dale Brown
29. 820-0700
30. Dr. Jerry Punch
31. "Ex Lax" I and II'
32. Lubie Brown
33. Paul McGuire
34. Don Zimmer
35. Ken Squirer
36. Gene Stallings
37. "McSofa" and "Chattafats" TV show
38. Brent Musberger
39. Red Auerbach
40. Paul Gearinger
41. Heywood Harris
42. Keith Olberman
43. Tommy Lasorda
44. Dick Vermeil
45. Johnny Chavis
46. Ken Venturi
47. Energizer Bunny
48. Extreme games (ESPN 2)
49. Bud Collins
50. Stuffed crust pizza
51. Thighmaster
52. Beano Cook
53. Jack Buck
54. Forrest Davis
55. Indoor lacrosse
56. Cotton Fitzsimmons
57. Covert Bailey & Health Rider
58. Bob Griese
59. Ned Jarrett
60. Jackie Sherrill
61. Joe Dean, Sr. & Jr.
62. Tractor pulls
63. Goodwill Games
64. Mouse Davis
65. Run and shoot
66. Larry Merchant
67. All McGuire
68. Rodeos
69. John Wayne reruns
70. Tonya Harding
71. Larry Holmes
72. Dan Dierdorf
73. Jerry Glansville
74. Atlanta Falcons
75. John Thompson
76. Lou Holtz
77. Andre Agassi
78. Jack Lelane
79. Jerry Tarkanian
80. Billy Packer
81. Buns of steel
82. Dick Enberg
83. Yogi Berra
84. Frank Broyles
85. Body by Jake
86. James Bond reruns
87. Dave Marcis
88. Al Davis
89. George Steinbrenner
90. Vince Dooley
91. Bobby Knight
92. QVC Shopping Network
93. Curling
94. Madonna Cicione
95. Butterbean
96. Dave "Mr. Grease" Thomas
97. "Coach" Jim Place
98. The Hatchet Man
99. The Doctor
100. Black Scorpion

Postmortems

1. Elvis
2. Ben Write
3. Sol Weingeroff
4. Jimmy "The Greak" Snyder
5. Kerry Kinsey
6. Bob, Ingrid & Rebel
7. Len Barker
8. Buddy Ryan
9. Randall "Tex" Cobb
10. J. David Miller

Parting shot

Copyright © 1996 The Haskew Company. Contact us at 5600 Brainerd Road, Suite G-30, Chattanooga, TN 37411. Tel: (423) 899-5111 Fax: (423) 899-1776 Or E-mail us at SportTalk@bizcafe.com.